Some of the funniest words are spoken on the spur of the moment. This is a collection of brilliant or witty quotes.
Margaret Thatcher
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Margot Asquith
What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.
Orson Welles
“In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.”
Alice Longworth (daughter of Theodore Roosevelt)
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
Douglas Adams
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
Dorothy Parker
I’ve never been a millionaire but I just know I’d be darling at it.
And:
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
Nancy Mitford
I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away.
And another:
An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off; it may run about in a lively way, but in fact it is dead.
Sir Winston Churchill
Lady Nancy Astor (to Churchill): “Sir, you’re drunk!”
Churchill: “Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Churchill and Astor are famous for these repartees, so I have to include a second:
Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your coffee.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I’d drink it!”
Oscar Wilde
I am not young enough to know everything.
And as he was probably one of the most witty men in history, we need another:
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
And another:
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Margaret Thatcher
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Margot Asquith
What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.
Orson Welles
“In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.”
Alice Longworth (daughter of Theodore Roosevelt)
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
Douglas Adams
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
Dorothy Parker
I’ve never been a millionaire but I just know I’d be darling at it.
And:
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
Nancy Mitford
I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away.
And another:
An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off; it may run about in a lively way, but in fact it is dead.
Sir Winston Churchill
Lady Nancy Astor (to Churchill): “Sir, you’re drunk!”
Churchill: “Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Churchill and Astor are famous for these repartees, so I have to include a second:
Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your coffee.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I’d drink it!”
Oscar Wilde
I am not young enough to know everything.
And as he was probably one of the most witty men in history, we need another:
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
And another:
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
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